choose your poison

Most of us are born with a body that's beautiful in its wholeness...so why do we do everything in our power to change this when we grow up?

Don't get me wrong, I definitely have something of the party animal streak within me. But what can really ruin a house party for me is when I see a drunk person throwing up into a bin somewhere.

This might sound slightly odd coming from someone who's worked in aged care, has had baby cousins, studies medicine and comes from a medical family (i.e. I'm okay with fecal incontinence being discussed over lunch, I've mopped up my fair share of toddler vomit, I handle dead body parts, I've stuck my {gloved} hand into a bucket of compost...), but I think I may have some idea why this is the case. Why I rushed to console my feverish cousin who threw up his apple juice all over my floor, but ran away from that college student who started stumbling towards me looking green: I don't really understand why someone who's fortunate enough to have a healthy body would go and deliberately poison it.

Someone who's vomiting because they've contracted a stomach bug is clearly not in control of themselves and therefore is to be pitied. But surely someone who's had 10 standard drinks could have controlled themselves long before they started heaving over the bin/toilet/sink, long before they started wasting medical resources that could be used to help someone who's in dire straits through no fault of their own.

However, those of you who know me will probably yell at me and say that it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black, because I have definitely engaged in my share of self-harm. Yes, I was a "cutter" in my teens, long before the word "emo" came into common use. I got out my blades whenever I needed to punish myself, whenever I felt confused, whenever I was frustrated...okay maybe not whenever, since it wasn't happening on a daily basis, but...

It's a part of myself that I really loathe, because I can't believe I was so short-sighted that I thought I'd never wear a swimsuit in public (most of the scars are on my upper thigh) or that I deliberately interfered with my body's normality. I hate my thunder thighs, but what I hate even more is that they've got these angry pale lines where I slashed away my bad feelings several years ago.

And this self-loathing I suppose is a factor in my dislike of people who decide to get completely off their face on their drug of choice. I fear it's similar to what some people say about homophobes - that the people who are most against homosexuality are those who see such tendencies within themselves and are uncomfortable about it. So feel free to laugh at me, or say that I'm twice as screwed up as you. Who knows, I probably am.

But maybe next time you're at a party, spare a thought for your liver? And the rest of your beautiful body that Nature blessed you with?

what is love

From a REAL lecture in Med:

4 year old:
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day”

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones”

6 year old:
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs”

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well”

7 year old:
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen”

8 year old:
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

1st year going on 2nd year

A sample of something short and sweet, just for laughs, following my first mentoring session as a freshie meddie, and because I haven't had time to write up a proper essay due to the lectures and labs which have all gone over my head, and the depression I am experiencing due to the fact I won't get out of the medical Training system till about 2025...well actually I lie about 2025 bit, it just happened to rhyme. In reality, I won't be out for twelve years.

THE SCENE:
A 3rd year med student (male) and a 1st year med student (female) are standing just outside the Medical Faculty building at night time. The 3rd year guy is demonstrating a sexy torch from the MedSoc Bookshop.

3RD YEAR GUY:
So...you just flash it in your eyes...and your pupil, the black dot in the middle, shrinks!

1ST YEAR GIRL:
OMG wow! Let me have a try!
(She snatches the torch out of his hand rather too eagerly, but drops it on the floor. Everything is black for a moment...(Music now (spontaneously) arises)

3RD YEAR GUY:
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage,
For a man to turn the light on

(He picks the torch up and switches it on again, allowing us to see their facial expressions – one of the integral components of nonverbal communication)

Beware, Med One girl, that those nerdy days
Of antisocial medical students are long gone

1ST YEAR GIRL (echoes in wonder):
They're long gone…?

3RD YEAR GUY:
You're a first year going on second year -
Socials you can't decline
Eager young lads from MedSoc and AMSA
Will offer you beer, and cruisers, and vodka, and wine…

1ST YEAR GIRL (interrupts, wide-eyed):
OMG alcohol?!?!

3RD YEAR GUY:
You're a first year going on second year -
Med makes you want to cry
Better not burn out, cause you won't get out
Till two thousand and twenty-five...

Totally unprepared are you
To face this world of med,
Lectures and labs are full of things
Which float over your head!

You need someone older and wiser,
Telling you what to do
I'm a third year going on fourth year...
I'll take care of you...

(He puts his arm around her and she beams. They dance around, making special use of the park benches on the ___ ___ Lawn*, which is a space that was originally set aside for all students – but due to the successful intimidation tactics of the Medicine students, has been renamed “Medlawn”. Suddenly the girl feels the urge to burst into song.)

1ST YEAR GIRL:
I'm a first year going on second year -
Innocent and naive
Mentors I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe...

I'm a first year going on second year -
Only fresh out of school
Playboys and tramps and helpers at MedCamps,
What would I know of you?

Totally unprepared am I...
To face this world of med
Lectures and labs are full of things...
Which float over my head

I need someone just who is in third year
The night before things are due
If you help me pass my assignments
I'll do anything for you!

(She has a hard, blazing look on her face, throws her arms around him, and he kisses her. Audience can see that he then sticks his hand up her labcoat.)

Credit: to Rodgers and Hammerstein for their inimitable musical, “The Sound of Music”, especially that amazing song, “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” which I unfortunately never got to sing in context.

* Names have been blanked out for privacy reasons.